Meet Dana and Robbie: A Story Driven Homily
Wedding homilies have the potential to be the most beautiful part of your wedding day. Yet it is often the most overlooked, a mere formality and trite sermon on the way to the real event: vows and cake.
The homily below was written by Dana for her wedding. A month before the ceremony, the officiant had to cancel. In her place, Dana chose the entire wedding party. Each member of the part read part of the homily and the vows were overseen by a dear mentor and friend. Taking agency over the homily was particularly important for them as they wanted to honor their religious traditions and roots in Christianity but also respect the ambiguous place they were in on their wedding day.
There is no end to how you can create an experience that is true to your story!
We are gathered today to celebrate and witness the marriage between Robbie Fraleigh and Dana Ray.
The reality is that most marriages are unlikely. They aren’t with the most obvious type of person or the most obvious partnership. Love, in its most mysterious form, insists on whom it will insist. Robbie and Dana realize that after Love’s insistence pushed them together, it is by choice, not obvious or easy, that they remain a partnership.
The Kingdom of Heaven is what Jesus spoke about most often. It was what He came to tell us about. And in this parable, this short and bright story, he tells us about a familiar understanding: the small and tiny seed growing into a great tree.
Matthew 13:31-32 He put another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.” (ESV)
But the part that Robbie and Dana particularly love is where Jesus talks about “all the birds of the air” coming to make their homes there. This isn’t a tree for the sake of tree-ness. It is a small thing that, with time, challenges, difficulty, has grown into a beautiful home for many. A marriage is not for the couple alone but for the community. It is one of the units by which God has given us companionship and support, a demonstration of His Love. This is no simple thing, but it is a real thing, a tangible home that gives Home to more than just Robbie and Dana. By their marriage, we hope we all experience a new depth of Home in our communities and also taste the family and belonging that resides in God Himself.
Robbie and Dana are like that small, unlikely planting of the Kingdom of Heaven. For them, the unlikely start was when they met dancing. That should surprise no one here. What may surprise you is that they met in a State College bar. In July 2010, Robbie had recently moved to State College from Houston to pursue his PhD. in physics. He went to a local salsa dance at the Lion’s Den to meet new people and find dance friends. Dana was there. It was the first time she had ever entered a bar in her entire life, two months after turning 21. Seriously, who has that kind of stat on meeting partners in bars? They met, they danced, and reconnected six months later when they ran into each other at a dance workshop. A friendship formed through the salsa bar that spring.
Somewhere in the spring of 2011, as Dana headed towards graduation, she developed a huge crush on Robbie, one that would not be reciprocated for another two years. That girl has patience! Or she’s just bullheaded. Either can be a big asset in this adventure of yours.
Shortly after they started dating, Dana moved to Bulgaria. Robbie stayed in State College to continue his PhD. He clearly stated that he did not want to do long distance. And yet, something kept him invested. It was a hard year for them both. She had the hardest, loneliest year of her life. And he, similarly, had some of the darkest days of his career as well. The separate, but simultaneous growth, made them stronger people on the other side. They adapted. And they grew.
Today, we witness something that has already been made: a partnership. Today is not the beginning of their partnership. Like the beginning of our world, the exact date, the exact moment in time, cannot be noted. Their love predated their partnership—and somehow, in the course of love, partnership and marriage is what they built.
A big turning point for Robbie and Dana that they like to share is the role of counseling and therapy in their relationship. In October 2015, they took the risk of dealing with the challenges in their relationship. It required them both to change and to change dramatically. It took letting go of old ways and starting new ones. They did the hard work that transforms you toward the person you are meant to be. It didn’t mean they would end up together—as Dana said, “We came to the choice to stay or to go. And we both chose to stay.”
When they speak about each other, the words are full of admiration and love.
Dana says that, “Robbie is a man of incredible, unearthly empathy. He sees into people, their situations, their motivations, and sees it all. He not only sees people but he gets them. He understands who they are and why they are, without judgment. It allows him to love in this strange way that’s so unusual and unique. It’s been a place of understanding and compassion in my life that I didn’t know could exist. He’s been this spacious, sweet home for me to come home to. He’s also been a vibrant, brilliant partner—I think better alongside him, I figure out my energy and motivations alongside him. My best work happens in his company. Also, he gives literally the best hugs in the entire world. It’s been amazing to build our lives together thus far and I am so happy to keep walking beside him as we learn how to be ourselves in the world.”
Robbie says that, “Life is richer and more vibrant because I am with Dana. She creates a setting for me to discover my best self, and she gives me support and space to ascend to the values I want to live by. Even though we don’t know what lies ahead, we help each other have clarity about the values we want to underlie the life we live. This is what drew me to Dana, why I fell in love with her, and why I am excited for our future together.”
We are here to express the love we have for this story, this relationship, this growing tree. This is not the beginning. Nor is it the end. What Robbie and Dana have committed to and what they commit to is this: marriage not as an end in itself but as a journey.
So our communal charge to you: by the grace of God, walk this road to the very end. Be brave. Be ready to change. Love with your whole hearts and, when those break, love with all the scraps of you that are left, and rebuild each other. Don’t just be ready to change but CHANGE. Become the change and the changer, the comrade in growing into who you are meant to be. CHOOSE the other, again and again. You declare the choice you have already made today. Your success in this will look like your true selves becoming clearer and clearer through time. Everything that is beautiful has been difficult. Everything that is sweet has grown slowly before its sweetness came forth. Trust in the Spirit, the Father, and the Son, whose mysterious dance is the basis for family. Become the great tree that becomes the home for each other, the home for others.